Be Yourself: The Truth About Authentic Dating
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Why should we keep “beng authentic” in mind when we date? And what does that even mean?
It’s simple. Being Authentic means being you. The You that you are being when you’re completely relaxed and not worrying about how you look, or what you’re doing or saying.It’s the un-edited version of you. It’s how you act and feel when you are completely in acceptance of who you really are.
So many times we put on masks or play roles in our relationships. Whether at work, with our friends or on a date. We behave how we think the other person wants, or worse, expects us to act. We edit ourselves and dampen down parts of ourselves that we’ve decided (or someone “in authority” told us) should be tamed or hidden or toned down.
When you date, it’s really important to be yourself. Ideally, you’re looking for a mate who will love you for who you are, and just the way you are. When you’re not being You, how can your perfect mate find you? Another downside of playng a role when you’re dating is that you won’t be able to keep it up forever. Actually, it’s well accepted that at around the 90 day mark, we lose our ability to play the game. We revert back to our authentic self, perhaps leaving our dating partner stunned. Who is this person? I thought I knew him, but I really didn’t.
“I’ve never felt so totally comfortable being myself, than I have around this man” says Amy Lyons-Kemler, of her new beaux. Well, part of it is that Gary thinks everything about Amy is completely adorable. From her short cropped hair to her gentle loving nature, she’s perfect for him in every way both physically and emotionally. But here’s the important thing: Amy is finally comfortable being Amy. All of the elements of who she is are now being fully embraced and celebrated, rather than denied. “In my past relationships, I was always uncomfortable for one reason or another.” The man was cold, so she tried to stop craving cuddles. The guy didn’t want a commitment, so she convinced herself that she was okay with that. He didn’t like her glasses, so she suffered in contact lenses to please him.
No, No, No! That is not authenticity. But how do you tell? How do you stop yourself from falling into the Inauthentic trap?
First: Listen to your body. When I was dating “Mr. Totally and Outrageously Wrong” my gut would literally churn whenever my heart was hurt by his comments or actions. If I tried to hold his hand, and he wasn’t responsive, I’d get the churn. If I had exciting news and he invalidated my achievement, I’d get the churn. Sometimes I’d burst out crying, or feel really angry at his responses and reactions. I’d ask myself if I was wrong. I mean, everyone else thought he was such a nice, fun guy. I was his special-someone, so why did my gut churn? Was I being overly sensitive? No, my body was giving me signals!
Second: Watch for the warning signs that you are compromising too much of yourself.
It’s one thing to compromise on which movie you’re going to, whether you’re going to open the bottle of red or have Mojito’s with dinner, or what time you’re leaving to go apple picking. That’s not what I’m referring to. Compromising yourself happens when the person you’re in relationship with asks you to change something about you.
“I broke up with her because she was constantly tring to get me to dress differently and groom my beard differently. She was impatient when I wanted to spend time on my passions” says Joe, a recent client. What Joe knew was that if he started to change things about himself that he liked, he would be unhappy and resentful all through the relationship. “If this is what happens in the first 3 or 6 months, what kind of life am I looking forward to? Will she ever just accept me for me?” Let’s face it, the best relationships are the ones where the other person loves you exactly the way you are. No changes needed.
On the other hand. what if you decide to make changes together? Our friend Amy Lyons-Kemler is the owner of “Fresh Start Wardrobe Consulting.” Do you think she might have made a few tweeks to Gary’s wardrobe? Of course she did. But Gary was ready and excited to do that. He knew he needed a makevoer and never felt as if he was compromising himself. He wanted to know what it felt like to be her client as well as her boyfriend. Changing and growing together is different from compromising your authentic self to please another.
So do yourself, and the rest of the dating world a favor. Be yourself! My mother used to say, “there’s a lid for every pot” and I’m sure she was right. But I’d add something to that. Know what kind of pot you are, and BE it, all the time!